Depression

Grr, i cant believe it. i have depression. i dont see how i could have it. i have GREAT friends who i love and care for, i have a wonderful family who gives me what i need (bed, food, water, a roof), i have the best boyfriend ever who treats me so good. so why do i lock myself in my room, pitch dark and start crying. cause i got fuking depression. im scared that this depression will stuff up my life. even my bf is getting worried about me cause i seem really down everyday. i cant help it. its just something i feel. i think that i need to get alot off my chest. so if u dont like readin this then stop and do something else.

first off i would like to say sorry to my best friend. thats if we r still best friend. from the day when i met my man and stared going out me and you have had some tiffs. they r all prob my falt and im sorry for saying shit about you being at school or not going. i guess i just wanted you to have a good future and all that and the best way to do that is going to school. i feel that we have kinna drift apart a little bit and i think to myself, is it because im with brad or am i that bad of a friend. am i spending more time with him and not her. but you have no idea how hard it is to spend time with your bf and plus friends plus school and work and family. i have no time for myself. if a friend goes hey come to the mall and then my bf says come to my place but then mum says that i want you home. which way do i go? what would you do? if i go with friends my bf gets sad and if i go with bf my friends get sad and if i dont go home my family gets sad. im always stuck in the middle confused and lost. and no1 has helped me. mybe thats y im depressed. mybe i should brake up with my bf. get out of the group and leave town. maybe every1 will be happy then. apart from me. but who cares about me. as every1 has told me. im just a little bitch who follows people and cant think for myself. im just a low life peice of shit
now your prob think omg this girl need to get over herself. well dont even bother saying anything like that. i think i have hit rock bottom that no1 can make me back to my old self. i have to force a smile on my face when i wake up just to show mum that she is a great mum which she is. i have to force a laugh so people feel good in them self. even if it is funny i just find it hard to laugh these days. i force myslef to look happy every fuking day so people will not worry about me. as some1 said ( no idea who lol) always think of number 1.... yourself. well my number one is not me. it is everything and everyone around me. i worrie about the littlest things in life. im really sick... the doc has told me that there could be this n this wrong with me. big words and i dn how to spell them so i cant say. but to put it in simple form. if the blood test come back as postive that i will be is hosiptial for a long time.
i think i have lost most of my close friends. there are still some who wanna talk to me and dont act different. its prob my falt and im sorry. ill be gone soon. i dont even think people trust me. if a fuking secret comes out people r starting to blame me. once this dude had a deep secret which i didnt no about. then he came up to me and payed me out for telling every1. how the fuk could i tell every1 when i didnt even no about it.. i mean wtf? if people cant trust me then thats there prob. i no alot of people and there dark secrets and if u ask any1 if i have told them about it they would say no. prob cause half the time i forget them. now your prob thinking omg what a fuking lieing bitch and if u r then o fuking well. now this blog prob has heaps of merstakes in it but o well cause im not going to re read it. im going in my room wishing that i could be free and die like i have every nite for the last 2 weeks. but still... no1 seems to care.

~Keep Safe~

x~True Love~x