Depression

Grr, i cant believe it. i have depression. i dont see how i could have it. i have GREAT friends who i love and care for, i have a wonderful family who gives me what i need (bed, food, water, a roof), i have the best boyfriend ever who treats me so good. so why do i lock myself in my room, pitch dark and start crying. cause i got fuking depression. im scared that this depression will stuff up my life. even my bf is getting worried about me cause i seem really down everyday. i cant help it. its just something i feel. i think that i need to get alot off my chest. so if u dont like readin this then stop and do something else.

first off i would like to say sorry to my best friend. thats if we r still best friend. from the day when i met my man and stared going out me and you have had some tiffs. they r all prob my falt and im sorry for saying shit about you being at school or not going. i guess i just wanted you to have a good future and all that and the best way to do that is going to school. i feel that we have kinna drift apart a little bit and i think to myself, is it because im with brad or am i that bad of a friend. am i spending more time with him and not her. but you have no idea how hard it is to spend time with your bf and plus friends plus school and work and family. i have no time for myself. if a friend goes hey come to the mall and then my bf says come to my place but then mum says that i want you home. which way do i go? what would you do? if i go with friends my bf gets sad and if i go with bf my friends get sad and if i dont go home my family gets sad. im always stuck in the middle confused and lost. and no1 has helped me. mybe thats y im depressed. mybe i should brake up with my bf. get out of the group and leave town. maybe every1 will be happy then. apart from me. but who cares about me. as every1 has told me. im just a little bitch who follows people and cant think for myself. im just a low life peice of shit
now your prob think omg this girl need to get over herself. well dont even bother saying anything like that. i think i have hit rock bottom that no1 can make me back to my old self. i have to force a smile on my face when i wake up just to show mum that she is a great mum which she is. i have to force a laugh so people feel good in them self. even if it is funny i just find it hard to laugh these days. i force myslef to look happy every fuking day so people will not worry about me. as some1 said ( no idea who lol) always think of number 1.... yourself. well my number one is not me. it is everything and everyone around me. i worrie about the littlest things in life. im really sick... the doc has told me that there could be this n this wrong with me. big words and i dn how to spell them so i cant say. but to put it in simple form. if the blood test come back as postive that i will be is hosiptial for a long time.
i think i have lost most of my close friends. there are still some who wanna talk to me and dont act different. its prob my falt and im sorry. ill be gone soon. i dont even think people trust me. if a fuking secret comes out people r starting to blame me. once this dude had a deep secret which i didnt no about. then he came up to me and payed me out for telling every1. how the fuk could i tell every1 when i didnt even no about it.. i mean wtf? if people cant trust me then thats there prob. i no alot of people and there dark secrets and if u ask any1 if i have told them about it they would say no. prob cause half the time i forget them. now your prob thinking omg what a fuking lieing bitch and if u r then o fuking well. now this blog prob has heaps of merstakes in it but o well cause im not going to re read it. im going in my room wishing that i could be free and die like i have every nite for the last 2 weeks. but still... no1 seems to care.

~Keep Safe~

x~True Love~x

Im Fucked :(

I think there is something wrong with me, but i don't no what it is. I no there is something deep inside of me making me this way. What is it tho? Lets make some points and then u (the readers) can tell my why I'm so fucked up.

1. My fucking family. Don't get me wrong i love them to bits but they can shit me off so much that i wish to kill myself. Last night my mum n my bro had this huge fight that i ended running away from home. 10 at night alone down the river where there is abos and all those Kinna drunks. No1 cared that i was gone apart from my boyfriend. He wanted to come and pick me up and take me home but he couldn't. Not even my mum cared that i was alone. Prob cause she knows I'm a big girl and wont go far from home. These fights my family have is getting more crazy and shit. I cant stand it any more. I really wanna move away from all this bullshit and everything. Man life is tough in this world when u live alone but its even tougher when ur mum n bro is just about killing each other all ova me :( i hate it i fucking hate it all.

2. Some fucking people don't think be4 they say. Let me ask you a question! Do u no how i feel when u fucking say shit about me? Even tho its a joke but do u really no how it could effect people? At the start i just fucking laughed it off thinking u will get ova it and stop. But no the joke always pops out again. Yes OK i had sex. Yes OK i have done this and that. But fuck me I'm ova that shit and I'm ova u calling me loose or saying anything about me. Not only the sex but everything. I'm sick of being the joker that every1 can laugh and pick on. I have had it all my life and i don't want it any more. Its OK to say things here and there but everyday when u see me. Fuck that's what makes me not wanna tell u anything. Its not like I'm pissed off or mad I'm just saying could u please cut it back. Even if u do it a little. I can take that OK thanks

3. I hate the way i look. I FUCKING HATE IT!! Even tho people say I'm beautiful and all this and i have a boyfriend i still don't like the way i look. I'm sick of being fat, I'm sick of my teeth being all weired, I'm sick of my hair, I'm sick of my big ears. I look in the mirror and i feel like crying. I say to my self how can a guy so hot and kind like a piece of shit like this. I cant see it. Even tho i shouldn't put myself down its just something i do as i worry about what people think of me. I worry alot and sometimes that shits people off which makes me feel bad. I feel like no1 wants me around or that i don't help them when they r so sad. I feel like i have lost one of my REALLY good friend to some1 else. Its prob my fault anyway as it always is.

4. I have this really fucked up uncial that has not only fucked up my family's life but my Nana's life and alot of other people. He fucking takes dope and takes money from every1. He has to live off his mother and make her life hell. He cant fucking keep a simple job or live by him self. He fucking shits me off as he has put so much stress on my dad and mum and others. When i went to see Nana i saw him smoking in the bathroom and trying to make me do some. Fucking hell that's no way to make some1 smoke. He is so fall of crap but that doesn't mean i what him to die. He has been talking about how he wanna kill him self and all that shit. I FUCKING HATE THAT!!! When people say o i wanna kill myself or go and kill yourself. It shits me off so much and i feel like killing them GRRRR even talking about it shits me off so much.

5. I'm so sick of work. Cant any1 work prop in the deli. They r all so slow and bossy and always make me do all the hard work. Even if they have an easy job they still ask me for help. OMG i should be the fucking boss of the deli as the real one cant even keep track of what days people have off and everything. I just about could go to the most awesomeness party on sat as work put me on for that day. I cracked the shits at them and told them i asked it for it off and everything. Lucky i have it off now. I hate the people i have to serve. They can be so fucking rude. I did nothing wrong and this dude complained to the BIG boss that i was treating him badly. Fucking thanks alot man i got in so much shit because of u. Grr

GOOD THINGS!!!!

1. I have the best sister in the world. She is here for me when I'm down and everything. I don't no what i will do if we never met. Hmm i don't even like thinking that shit as i would prop be a sad teen without her. i love u sis and don't forget that. xxoo

2 I have the most handsome, kindest boyfriend ever. I fucking love him to death. He treats me so well and looks after me as i was his daughter and he was the father. All the other guys that have fucked around and been so crap to me, i thought i could never find my prince. But i have found him and I'm so glad. U mean heaps to me. if i didn't have you or my sis i would be dead. prop at the bottom of the sea. You to are like a family and a lover to me. I love u xxxx

3. I love my family. They do look out of me and all that. They also mean alot to me and if they die i would go and die with them as they watched me grown into this world and they should see me die. I respect you all and i love you all xxx

4. My lovable dog Oscar. Your like a son to me that i can cuddle and kiss and watch grow. I really wanted a dog but non of the dogs i looked at i liked. Not even ur brothers and sisters. Only you i feel in love with and love still. I'm so glad i have you, I love u Oscar xxx

5. I got my L's WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO even tho i have been driving with out them but i still glad i got them.. WOOOOOOOOO Watch out every1 GET OFF THE ROAD BAHAHAHAHHA!!

Anyway that's about it. Please tell me y I'm fucked up.

~Keep Safe~

x~ True Love ~x